


Goodnight

by Starclove



Series: And Back Again [1]
Category: Saiyuki
Genre: Angst, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-07
Updated: 2018-01-07
Packaged: 2019-03-01 13:10:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 624
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13295565
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Starclove/pseuds/Starclove
Summary: This time, he will follow.





	Goodnight

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Untitled](https://archiveofourown.org/external_works/349311) by sinestrated. 



> Thank you to imaginary_dragonling for betaing.

A light breeze blew over the barren landscape like a lover's touch, carrying the keen of a mournful cry. Faint breath hissed from the figure lying prone beneath the large stone. It stirred, pressing closer to the mound over which an arm is thrown out.

He didn't know how long he'd been there. Time had lost all meaning to him; he didn't know nor care whether it were night or day. Parched lips moved against the dusty earth, forming words louder in thought than in reality.

"Hey, 'Kai."

 _Yes, Gojyo?_ The words echoed in his imagination in a soft, gentle tenor.

He thought he must have fallen to the Minus Wave, or else it was his own head, answering him in Hakkai's voice. Madness, hallucination, memory, or dream, he didn't care what it was— he welcomed it.

"Why'd you do it?" He realized, in a detached sort of way, that that was a stupid question. He _knew_ why. They'd all known why. None of them had wanted him to, but Hakkai had still gone and done it anyway.

 _I had to._ Had to protect Sanzo and his holy mission. Had to take off his limiters to do that. And, in the end, the only reward that he got for saving them from a horde of _youkai_ was to be put down with a gunshot to the head. Like a rabid dog. _Don't you see, Gojyo? I had to._

"But you—" _Left_. _You_ left _me._ He choked the words down so that all that came out was a small cough, barely more than a brief, unnoticeable tightening of the throat.

 _You're so much stronger than any of us,_ the Hakkai–voice said. _And Sanzo— Sanzo needed to be kept safe. Even without me, you could have moved on—_

"I coulda, but did you ask if I _wanted_ to?" Fingers dug the tiniest bit into sand and stones, the movement fueled by a small burst of energy brought on by anger. The palm of his hand tingled as it used to when he summoned the _shakujou_ , but after they'd buried Hakkai it had never again come to him, no matter how hard he had willed it. "Stop making my decisions for me, dammit."

The silence in his head that followed then was loud, so loud.

 _I'm sorry,_ Hakkai whispered miserably. _I thought you'd— I didn't think— I wasn't strong enough. I'm sorry._

The flaring anger flickered and faded away. "I'm sorry too, man. You did what you got to. I shouldn't'a got mad at ya for that. I just— I wish I wasn't so useless." _I wish I could have saved you._

 _No,_ Hakkai protested, _you're not useless. You've done so much for— for us, but I— oh, Gojyo._

"Hey, hey, s'okay. Anything for you." He smiled. "What I really want, though, is t'go back to Chang'an. Or anywhere you want, just you and me." His thumb caressed a shallow arc into the dirt. "Get you that garden you've always wanted."

 _That sounds nice._ Hakkai's voice was warm, and there was a trace of a smile just around the edges. _I would like that very much._

"Anything for you, 'Kai." His eyes were suddenly very heavy. "I'm tired."

_You should get some rest, then._

"Mmm, I should. Are you gonna be here?"

_I'll be here._

"Promise?"

_I promise. I won't leave you again. I won't._

"All right." He closed his eyes; a small sigh escaped his lips.

_Rest, Gojyo. Goodnight._

"G'night, Hakkai."

The world faded into a haze of memories and broken fragments of dreams and he turned his back to it all. He went instead towards the comforting presence bearing a wide, generous mouth and soft eyes that smiled as he approached.

"Welcome home, Gojyo."


End file.
